I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
