I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
