So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
