I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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