if i can run in heels then i can drive
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
