How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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