I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
