Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
