i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
