God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
