Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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