Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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