I should be sponsored by Trojan
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
