Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
