So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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