no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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