Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
