i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
