Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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