3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Randomize