so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
