biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
