i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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