I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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