i wish starbucks made bloody marys
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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