I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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