update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
