i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
