when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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