I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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