when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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