My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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