I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
