Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
false alarm, still single
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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