To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
