Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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