so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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