When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
