I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
