I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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