im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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