So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
