My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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