we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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