Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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