and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
