I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
