Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
