he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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