You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The adults are the big ones right?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
