My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My vagina just recognized that song.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
