and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
