saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
