he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Barsexuality is the new black.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
