I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
tell me about the eggs
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
