I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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