I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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