I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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