Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
