What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
