Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
