I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
