Dude my mom stole all your condoms
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
