It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
