So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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