This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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