On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
