I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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