i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
