Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
