Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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